Guilt, Comparison, and Validation
Navigating guilt and validating my struggles as a single woman in my late 30s without kids
Recently, I was listening to a podcast. They were talking about the weight of life’s responsibilities and I instantly thought about how easy it is to feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed by life’s responsibilities. As a single woman in my late 30s, without children, I’ve often had these feelings. It's like I’m constantly battling this internal conflict between acknowledging my struggles and convincing myself that I don’t have a right to them. I’ve wondered, What am I even complaining about?
This guilt can be suffocating. The feeling that, because my life doesn’t look like other people’s, I shouldn’t feel the way I do. But the truth is, I’m coming to realize that we all have our own challenges, and just because they’re different doesn’t make them any less valid.
When people think about responsibilities, they often envision the more traditional roles: raising children, managing a marriage, or running a household. However, as a single woman without kids, my responsibilities manifest differently but are no less significant. I manage everything in my home; handling chores, finances, and the day-to-day tasks of life—all on my own. This solitude can create a unique kind of pressure because there’s no one to share the load.
While my sacrifices may differ from those of someone juggling a family, they are still substantial. I constantly balance my career, maintain my mental and physical health, nurture friendships, and sometimes just strive to get through the day. Some days, work feels all-consuming; on others, the weight of loneliness and the burden of self-sufficiency become overwhelming. The pressure to appear “on top of everything”, from managing finances to keeping up with social obligations and caring for aging parents, feels like one long juggling act, and there are moments when it all gets to be too much.
What complicates this further is the societal perception that, because my responsibilities don’t involve children or a partner, I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed. There’s an unspoken belief that my struggles don’t count in the same way, but the truth is, these pressures are very real, and they take a toll. My challenges may not fit the traditional mold of “hard,” but they are significant nonetheless.
For a long time, I’ve struggled with this pervasive guilt. I would think about how other people are raising kids, managing a spouse’s needs, and balancing their own careers, and it made me feel like I had no right to complain. I’d hear people talk about how much harder life gets with a family, and it reinforced this idea that my struggles weren’t significant. In my head, it was almost like I wasn’t “allowed” to feel burnt out, because what did I have to be burnt out about?
That guilt shows up in small ways, too. I’d hesitate to talk about being tired after work because I’d think, But I’m not coming home to kids; why am I exhausted? I’d avoid expressing my frustrations because I felt like my problems couldn’t compare to the “bigger” ones people around me were facing. Society often gives us this narrative that only certain struggles deserve attention, and for a long time, I bought into that.
But here’s what I’ve learned: guilt doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t change my reality or make things easier, it just invalidates my feelings. And over time, I realized how damaging that mindset was.
At some point, I had to ask myself: Why am I comparing my life to someone else’s? Struggles don’t have to be ranked to be real. We all experience stress, and the weight of our responsibilities doesn’t need to be measured against someone else’s for them to matter. What’s hard for me is hard for me, and that’s enough.
This shift in perspective didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of reflecting, and moments where I let myself feel overwhelmed without trying to rationalize it away. I started to understand that my experience is just as valid as anyone else’s. Sure, my responsibilities may not include raising children, but managing a household on my own, whether it’s paying bills, handling repairs, or keeping up with day-to-day life, brings its own unique set of challenges. These are responsibilities that weigh on me, and I’ve realized they deserve to be acknowledged without guilt.
Listening to that podcast helped me realize that constantly comparing my struggles to others wasn’t fair to anyone, especially not to myself. It was a reminder that my feelings don’t need external validation. They’re real because I’m living them. It’s not about whose life is harder, but about recognizing that we’re all allowed to feel what we feel without guilt or shame.
Everyone’s struggles are different, and that’s just the way it is.
One of the most freeing realizations I’ve come to is that everyone’s challenges are different, and that’s okay. Life throws different things at each of us, and just because our struggles don’t look the same doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be acknowledged. A parent’s stress might come from balancing their children’s schedules, while mine might come from managing all aspects of my household alone. Both are real, and both are valid.
I think this understanding has made me more compassionate, not just toward others, but toward myself. I no longer feel the need to downplay what I’m going through just because it doesn’t match up with someone else’s experience. And that’s been liberating. It’s allowed me to not only be more honest with myself but also more empathetic to the people around me. I’ve come to see that empathy isn’t just about saying, “I’ve got it harder than you,” but about recognizing that we all carry weight in different ways, and we all need support at times.
I also want to take a moment to acknowledge that there are women and men, single mothers and single fathers, who juggle all the responsibilities I’ve mentioned and more; raising children, managing finances, and carrying the emotional load of parenthood on top of everything else. I deeply respect the immense strength and resilience it takes to manage those layers of responsibility. While my struggles look different, I know that doesn’t diminish the weight they carry, and I have nothing but admiration for the ways they show up every day. It’s a reminder that we all face different battles, and though our circumstances may vary, the challenges are equally deserving of compassion and understanding.
I’m still learning to fully accept my own journey, but I’ve made peace with the fact that my struggles are just as valid as anyone else’s. Whether we’re managing a household solo or balancing parenthood, life presents its challenges in different ways for each of us. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, even if our responsibilities look different. What matters is that we extend empathy, not only to others but also to ourselves, so that we can navigate these challenges without guilt or comparison.
This process of accepting my feelings, rather than brushing them off, has been crucial for my mental well-being. If you’re like me, feeling guilty for having your own version of “too much,” I hope you can take this as permission to let go of that guilt. Life is messy and hard for all of us, and we deserve to acknowledge that without minimizing our struggles. Let’s give ourselves and each other the grace to honor our experiences for what they are: real, valid, and worthy of compassion.
Love this so much. I’m married but we don’t have kids yet and sometimes I feel this way too. Like I can’t complain to people who have kids, or say I’m overwhelmed or tired. But it’s not true. One of the best things my husband has taught me is that I’m allowed to be tired and have emotions. Even if I did nothing that day, I can be tired. I say it all my friends now too. You don’t have to have kids, or a spouse, or own a house to feel emotions, life is exhausting and we all feel it in different ways. I pray you continue to write and I look forward to reading your work!!
Thank you for writing this and allowing us the space to acknowledge this fact of life. I don’t have children either but work commitments and life can be exhausting. I work with families whose children have very high levels of need and every day I am in awe of what they do to keep family life and themselves afloat. I understand that both things can be true and valid at the same. We absolutely should not compare the different situations and we should use the energy to celebrate and support each other at the different stages we find ourselves in life. I’ve just found your writings and I’m enjoying reading your thoughts about life!